What do you do when you don’t want to do what you’re doing?

I’m five posts away (four? I lost track) from my 300th post.  I still plan to reveal Tunerville to you then (see end of post for an update)…and do a cookie giveaway.  I want someone to get cookies!  Most likely, it will be a commenter, so comment already!

Shifting to downer status, I haven’t been blogging much lately; I started a technical writing program at a local state university.  You might know I got a job as a departmental admin who edits software assessment reports for a technology services company.

This program has a placement rate of 90+ percent.  It should fit right in with my day job, hey, all is going well, oooh yeah, fabulous and fine and wonderful.  Right?


I hate it.

Don’t get me wrong; my day job is fine.  I like it, the people are nice, and it’s very flexible (in addition to paying a wage I can actually live on).  What I hate is all this pressure.  Bear with me here, because I’m going to unload on you.

  • I hate doing homework that takes up SO much time I have no time to work on Tunerville or the Rose’s Hostage sequel, nor will I have time to work on Rose when I get it back from Brian Keene (arrgghh!)
  • I hate going to class on a campus with 20,000 teenagers when I’m not one.
  • I hate not being a teenager anymore.
  • I hate that I can’t join in any campus life stuff because I’m a non-traditional (read:  old) student.
  • I hate being invisible because I’m old.
  • I hate the stupid bear statue in the middle of campus; I’m afraid of bears.  And everything is bears—bearbucks, bearpass, bearwear.  (Okay, maybe I like all this; when I’m bitching, everything is fair game, okay?)
  • I hate this semester-long project where I have to edit a document for a “client” (I’m doing a work document) and I have do it before I even know what the hell I am doing.
  • I hate online classes where you have to email the teacher to ask a question and then wait for a response.
  • I hate doing all this alone.

What is the point? I really don’t know.  I haven’t figured it out.  Everyone thinks my job is the Holy Grail—“Ooh, you got a job! Yay for you! Ooh aren’t you happy, aren’t you thrilled, you should be so relieeeeeeved!!!”  Well, yes, it’s nice.  And it’s not.


Image:  betanews.com

It isn’t what I wanted.  Again, I feel like I have to settle for something.  I don’t have the energy to keep starting over, and I’m almost out of time for what I really want, which is a family.  Writing is not enough.  Books are not enough.  Being able to make a living isn’t enough.  I can’t share anything I have, which renders it meaningless.  This isn’t living; it’s existing.

And I’m afraid.

I feel like a competent fiction writer, if not exactly as polished and experienced as, say, Brian.  As a technical writer, I fear I’m gonna stink.  I don’t feel smart enough for this.  And, if I have to spend this much time on it, the fiction is going to fall to the wayside.

I busted my ass to get back into novel writing; I don’t really want to ditch it NOW.  I’m so close to getting published, if I could just hit the right mark.  I feel it just out of reach.  This is pushing it down even further.  And I’m neglecting you, dear readers.  I don’t want to do that.  I want to produce something besides this blog for you to read.

I thought about sharing some of the things I’m learning at school with you.  There is a lot, and it’s not all so esoteric that you can’t understand it.  Maybe I can do that for next year’s A-Z Blogging Challenge.  I am NOT going to bail on that next year; I don’t care how short my posts have to be.  But I’m not sure I’m going to make it.

When I figure out what to do, I’ll let you know.

Tunerville update

In writing my synopsis, I have discovered I need to restructure the novel.  It’s okay; that’s fine, this happens.  As I told the story, I found myself reordering certain parts of it.  That probably means I really need to reorder certain parts of it.

Did you know “derp” made it into the Oxford English Dictionary? Yep, it’s officially a word.  Good thing, since I derp so much.

Did you know “derp” made it into the Oxford English Dictionary? Yep, it’s officially a word. Good thing, since I derp so much.

Research is ongoing; because of the school stuff, I’m not sure when that will be complete.  One of my professors does research in a field that directly relates to something in the book, so I plan to pick her brain extensively.

K, that’s enough for this Saturday.  I’m working on some time management strategies, so hopefully, I’ll be posting more often.  See you then.