I’m five posts away (four? I lost track) from my 300th post. I still plan to reveal Tunerville to you then (see end of post for an update)…and do a cookie giveaway. I want someone to get cookies! Most likely, it will be a commenter, so comment already!
Shifting to downer status, I haven’t been blogging much lately; I started a technical writing program at a local state university. You might know I got a job as a departmental admin who edits software assessment reports for a technology services company.
This program has a placement rate of 90+ percent. It should fit right in with my day job, hey, all is going well, oooh yeah, fabulous and fine and wonderful. Right?
No.
I hate it.
Don’t get me wrong; my day job is fine. I like it, the people are nice, and it’s very flexible (in addition to paying a wage I can actually live on). What I hate is all this pressure. Bear with me here, because I’m going to unload on you.
- I hate doing homework that takes up SO much time I have no time to work on Tunerville or the Rose’s Hostage sequel, nor will I have time to work on Rose when I get it back from Brian Keene (arrgghh!)
- I hate going to class on a campus with 20,000 teenagers when I’m not one.
- I hate not being a teenager anymore.
- I hate that I can’t join in any campus life stuff because I’m a non-traditional (read: old) student.
- I hate being invisible because I’m old.
- I hate the stupid bear statue in the middle of campus; I’m afraid of bears. And everything is bears—bearbucks, bearpass, bearwear. (Okay, maybe I like all this; when I’m bitching, everything is fair game, okay?)
- I hate this semester-long project where I have to edit a document for a “client” (I’m doing a work document) and I have do it before I even know what the hell I am doing.
- I hate online classes where you have to email the teacher to ask a question and then wait for a response.
- I hate doing all this alone.
What is the point? I really don’t know. I haven’t figured it out. Everyone thinks my job is the Holy Grail—“Ooh, you got a job! Yay for you! Ooh aren’t you happy, aren’t you thrilled, you should be so relieeeeeeved!!!” Well, yes, it’s nice. And it’s not.
It isn’t what I wanted. Again, I feel like I have to settle for something. I don’t have the energy to keep starting over, and I’m almost out of time for what I really want, which is a family. Writing is not enough. Books are not enough. Being able to make a living isn’t enough. I can’t share anything I have, which renders it meaningless. This isn’t living; it’s existing.
And I’m afraid.
I feel like a competent fiction writer, if not exactly as polished and experienced as, say, Brian. As a technical writer, I fear I’m gonna stink. I don’t feel smart enough for this. And, if I have to spend this much time on it, the fiction is going to fall to the wayside.
I busted my ass to get back into novel writing; I don’t really want to ditch it NOW. I’m so close to getting published, if I could just hit the right mark. I feel it just out of reach. This is pushing it down even further. And I’m neglecting you, dear readers. I don’t want to do that. I want to produce something besides this blog for you to read.
I thought about sharing some of the things I’m learning at school with you. There is a lot, and it’s not all so esoteric that you can’t understand it. Maybe I can do that for next year’s A-Z Blogging Challenge. I am NOT going to bail on that next year; I don’t care how short my posts have to be. But I’m not sure I’m going to make it.
When I figure out what to do, I’ll let you know.
Tunerville update
In writing my synopsis, I have discovered I need to restructure the novel. It’s okay; that’s fine, this happens. As I told the story, I found myself reordering certain parts of it. That probably means I really need to reorder certain parts of it.
Did you know “derp” made it into the Oxford English Dictionary? Yep, it’s officially a word. Good thing, since I derp so much.
Research is ongoing; because of the school stuff, I’m not sure when that will be complete. One of my professors does research in a field that directly relates to something in the book, so I plan to pick her brain extensively.
K, that’s enough for this Saturday. I’m working on some time management strategies, so hopefully, I’ll be posting more often. See you then.
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